Suicide Songs: Monday

It's Monday afternoon and no one in class notices or cares

That Max isn't there but with a gun from who knows where

He's been attacked and harassed everyday since freshman year

Verbally, physically, emotionally filled with fear

He's seen the videos and read the headlines 

Seems like everyday a star comes out 

Until now it's been enough to get through the day

But the dance on Friday night was their last chance

The bell's about to ring but Max can't relax 

He feels like he's going to have a heart attack

The halls are going to fill and his tears are starting to pour

He's afraid. He's always been afraid here

But he won't be for much longer

In the next moment he feels a little stronger 

Ring ring bang bang 

He didn't know he wasn't the only one afraid

That the boy he asked to the dance actually wanted to be more than best friends

That his “friends” heard him say yes

So they beat him up too

Max got stood up because Mitch could no longer stand

Suicide Songs: Sunday

Suzzie's still dressed up in what passed as her Sunday best

Studying for tomorrow's math test

It's a lot of pressure when you're suppose to be a prodigy

When you're expected to make your mark in history 

When your expectations can't possibly result in reality

Except their not your expectations

Your work and success don't bring you feelings of elation 

Quite contrary your dreams are being suffocated 

You're in your home, your room but you still feel dislocated 

Like nothing's real

You don't know what to feel

You don't have the best dress 

But score the highest on every test

But that's not you or who you want to be 

But somehow no one else notices or sees

Your parents are so proud 

Your friends cheer so loud

But you can't get anything less than an A

You have to study so there's no time to play

It's all too much you're going to snap

The empty pill bottles fall on your lap

She didn't know her parents would still love her if she dropped out of school

That her friends didn't care if what she wore wasn’t so cool

Suicide Songs: Intro

The last few weeks were an introduction to poetry and to myself. I started writing poetry because I was hopelessly depressed and I had no voice. I had no one to talk to. No one I trusted. I was alone. Alone in my pain. Poetry kept me alive. Poetry gave me life. Poetry gave structure to my chaos and confusion. I was mentally ill but wasn't sure. I didn't want to accept myself because I was afraid of what my family and church (i.e. everyone I knew) would do to me if they found out I was gay. So I tried to drown myself when I was 11. I started cutting myself when I was 15. I also stopped eating. I don't know how I would have survived without poetry. If I couldn't say everything I needed to say without actually saying it.

But as I mentioned in the mini-memoir, I did end up in a mental hospital when I was 16. It really was the best thing that could have happened to me. Even though the boy broke my heart and I let that screw up my most important friendship, I was no longer alone. There are so many people out there just like me. Suffering from the same depression and oppression. But that's where traditional therapy ends. It gives you the tools to overcome obstacles. It provides a system that reduces your risk of relapsing. But it can't make you forget. And I'll talk more about this next week.

For these next 7 days, I'm just going to share 7 stories. 7 completely different souls. 7 completely different circumstances. 7 same "solutions" to those 7 very different problems. Just 7 ways suicide happens in our society.

Therapy Tactics on Gender Identity and Gender Roles

Coming out as transgender or genderqueer is similar to Coming Out as I mentioned in last week's post. What's different is that there's a lot more transphobia than homophobia even within the gay community as well as there being a lesser understanding of gender compared to sexuality. Gender is who you are. Sexuality is who you want to fuck.  It's sad that we understand and accept lust more than people. The world today is such a hyper-sexualized place that everyone understands what homosexuality is because we're all horny as fuck and don't know how to keep it in our pants. You don't have to agree with it to understand why someone would want to fuck someone else regardless of gender.

Explaining Non-Binary Systems: Gender Identity

Explaining Non-binary systems: Sexual & Romantic Orientation

Artistic Tips: Inspiration and Thought Process (part 2)

Continuing from the last post moving to other poem for this week.

"I Think, That's What Makes Me A Man"
So this poem plays off of "I think therefore I am" as I think about what it means to be a man.
I tried to figure out what it means to be a man by looking at the "checklist" that society had made. But you know, being mostly gay makes it mostly hard to match that list. And if that's what it means to be a man, then maybe I don't want to be.

To be a man or to be at all. I wouldn't mind blinking out of existence. Not stop existing i.e. death. But rather never existing at all i.e. never have been born. But that's not really an option, to my knowledge. So yeah, by my biological sex I identify as a man. But that doesn't quite sit right with me.

There's nothing new under the sun, so the words I'm writing, the thoughts I'm thinking, what I am -there's nothing new about all that, but why I write, what I do with my thoughts, who I am - that's all absolutely unique. So what I am is a man, but who I am? I'm not so sure.

So the part about my likes and dislikes goes back to Bridgit Mendler's song "Postcard." I like some guy things and some girl things, but I also don't like some boy things and I don't like some girl things.

I know myself and I can exist just fine even if I don't fit your definition of who I am suppose to be.

Artistic Tips: Inspiration and Thought Process (part 1)

There's nothing new under the sun. Everything is a remake of a remake of a remake. That's life. That's what we have to work with, but we can work with it. For poetry, for any writing, for any art, there's always a muse, a source of inspiration.

These two poems were inspired by the song "Postcard" by Bridgit Mendler. (Take a listen here. This was just the first thing when you google the song.) I loved the spirit and message of the song. It's about breaking down oppressive gender stereotypes. It's in the spirit of the "Like A Girl" campaign that you might have seen during the SuperBowl. Girls can play sports and run and throw and hit just as well as boys. But this song takes the necessary next step. At about 1:14 in that video, it talks about the flip side. Boys can like fashion and ballet. It doesn't make them gay or less of a boy. So that really struck a cord with me. So there were a few words that stuck out and really connected with me and I just went with it.

"Transition"
When I think about traditional gender roles and what boys and girls should do, I think about fairy tales. Knights saving damsel in distress. Until more recently, that was the gist of it. Girls need macho boys to save them. Boy need to be big and strong so they can have girl they want. But that's not reality. You grow up and realize that the world is a pretty messed up place and everything you learned when you were little was a lie: Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, Till Death Do Us Part.

Then I thought about how those fairy tales translate into what we as little kids dream about and what if I, as a boy, wanted the same things girls dreamt about. For the record, I didn't really want to crossdress, but you can read about how Jesus made me want to crossdress here. But I do like fashion, accessories, jewelry, and I do want to be the one to be proposed to, and I do have my dream wedding planned with white roses and vanilla cake.

And then from dreaming, I contrasted what "boyish" things I didn't like with what "girly" things I did like. From the song I got the idea of sports and getting dirty and ballet. But everything in this stanza is true of me.

The closing stanza is reflecting on the chorus of the song: "So what make you think that it's girls/boys only, no boys/girls allowed?" Boys will be boys and girls will be girls. And that's fine. But not all boys and not all girl will be like that. And that's also fine. Your chromosomes don't define your identity and what you like or don't like. #YouDoYou

(Other poem in Part 2 here)

What Would Jesus Wear - Who Am I? (Part 2)

So as I left off in Part 1, I struggled with my gender identity. Of course back then I didn't know what gender identity was so I was just plain confused about everything and I had no way of getting answers because I didn't even know what questions to ask.  Now, I was born male, and I was fine with that. I didn't even know what transgender was at the time, and then when I learned about it, it was something I seriously considered, but I have decided that I'm not exactly transgendered since I still mostly identify with being male.

So yeah, I was a boy who wanted to be a boy, but the struggle was that I didn't fit in with the other boys. I wasn't built for sports and that seemed like the only thing my brother and all the other boys at my school wanted to do. I was awkward

"I Think, I Am A Man"

"Transition"

Poetry - I Think I Am A man

“I Think, That’s What Makes Me A Man”

Sometimes I forget to think,

Therefore I forget that I am.

I’m not sure if I know what it means to be a man.

Is existence something out of which I can blink?

Because I try to follow the rules to a tee.

I keep checking what’s on the checklist.

But a girl I still have yet to conquer -I mean kiss- 

And I’m not sure if I even want to be.

To be a man, I desire by definition

Of with whom I identify, but I question if that is really I.

Or if simply everything I’ve been told is a lie.

Because I am who I am and that’s a unique sensation.

I like Hot Wheels but not real cars.

I like ballet and being in the kitchen.

I don’t like contact sports or combat missions.

I don’t like princess dolls but I like astronauts chasing stars.

This is who I am, I think.

Therefore I know that I still am.

But I might not fit your definition of a man.

But watch as I still exist even if you blink.

Poetry - "Transition"

“Transition”
by David Wright

Once upon a time I believed in Fairy tales
In pirate patches and ships setting sail
In evil witches losing their magic powers
In freeing damsels locked in their towers
In knights jousting in their shining armor
In Cinderellas meeting their Prince Charmers

But now I know better because now I live
In the real world where people forgot how to forgive
There's more to a story than tradition
Since this world is always in transition
Even saints can be condemned as sinners
And sometimes losers become winners

Once upon a time I wanted to be a girl
To wear high heels and precious pearls
To be a princess with a pretty pink dress
To be proposed to by a prince and say yes
To have my wedding with white roses and vanilla cake
To have an album of all the photos I would take

I didn't want to play sports or wrestle in the dirt
I didn’t want to do anything where I could get hurt
I didn’t want to play with monster trucks
I wanted to play tea party with my stuffed ducks
I wanted to twirl around like a ballerina
I wanted to be pretty and smart just like Athena

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls.
But that's not the only rule in the world.
Gender roles are chosen by our definitions
Not assigned like a military conscription.
You are free to be whoever you feel is true.
You get to write your own story. You do you.

News Update: More More More

Hi all,

This is going to be a special double poem week and I'll explain why in one of the videos.

I also made some updates to make the blog easier to navigate. This is a daily blog so I post at least once every day which means there's going to be a lot of posts. After just 2 week I have about 20 posts. So on the top of the blog in the blue section, I added a tab bar.

PAST - you can find the specific section for each poem/topic
Poetry Portfolio: posts of my original poetry
Artistic Tips: posts of tips on writing methods and mechanics
Soul Sharing: posts of why I write and how I put myself out there
Therapy Tactics: posts of free advice on surviving life

Side projects

Therapy Tactics on Coming Out

Therapy Tactics on Coming Out

Coming out is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. And I've had to do it so many times. It's common to come out to one person at a time at first. Your best friend. A sibling. A parent. Someone you absolutely trust and you know would love you no matter what and not tell anyone until you were ready. Unfortunately, we don't all have that someone in our lives, or we don't think we do, or we think we do but then that person hurts us. You can't really know how someone is going to react, and that is what makes coming out so scary. Thankfully, we now live in a more understanding and accepting time, but that isn't true for every situation. But it does mean we have this wonderful thing called the Interwebs where we can go to for help, guidance, and acceptance. You can't hug over the phone or through a computer, but at least, kind and loving words are readily available.

I knew I was gay when I was 11 (and you can read about that journey of self discover here). But I didn't know anyone I thought I could trust until I was about 15. (You can read about how that turned out to be a mistake here). He was my best friend. The best friend I ever had. He taught be how to be a rebel, how to be myself, and how to be happy. I was so scared of anyone finding out my secret that I made myself miserable trying to keep up the appearance of a "perfect" Christian boy. He was also the only person my age I knew that didn't go to my small private Christian school. That's what made him so attractive. That's why I wanted to be like him. He was free from this prison I had been in my whole life. Everything I like about myself I learned from him in one way or another.

I found someone who showed me how to be courageous. So if you're not already brave enough to come out, then don't, at least not yet. You have to be ready for the worst case scenarios which I read about extensively online. You could be bullied at school or at home, physically or emotionally; you could be kicked out of your home; you could be forced into conversion therapy. What you need before you come out is a support network. You can find that online through safe communities like TrevorSpace and The Trevor Project (linked under Helpful Resources). I didn't have these option, but you might have a GSA (gay-straight alliance) at your school or an LGBT center in your neighborhood. With these communities you can ask other people's coming out stories or find solidarity with others who haven't come out yet either.

Although the unknown is scary, reality doesn't have to be. You can read so many stories and watch so many coming out videos of it all working out and also how people survive when it doesn't work out so well. And if it doesn't at first, It Gets Better. Maybe not right away, but eventually it will if you find the courage to stay strong. It took me years before it finally got better, and I was so close to giving up so many times. You're never alone. There is always someone out there just like you who knows exactly what you're going through and has made it out the other side. And if you don't know anyone like that, I am that person. Maybe not exactly, but after everything I've been through I can empathize with anyone's situation.

And it's important to know that you don't have to come out. Never feel pressured to come out. Be true to yourself and that's enough. And sometimes it takes a long time to figure out what your true self looks like, and that's ok. It helps to talk it out with someone. But if you don't have that someone, then it helps to write it out. Keep a journal. Write out everything you feel. And if you're afraid someone might find it, then write in code, in secret metaphors. If it's about a person then just use ambiguous terms and pronouns. Poetry is especially useful because it's meant to say a lot with a little. You don't have to use all your words to express your feelings, and it's not meant to be entirely nonfiction. So if someone does happen to find it, you can play it off as fiction.

To sum up: Prepare for the worst, but there's hope for the best. Find a safe community, online or in person. Find at least one person you can trust to talk things through. Write out your feelings. Come out only if you feel safe and when you feel ready.

I Think I Love You: Part 1

I Don’t Want To Hear “I Love You”

Is there anything crazier than falling in love in a psychiatric hospital? I’m not sure if it was true love, but it was the first time I said “I love you” and meant it. Where else could I possibly find someone as broken as I am? I’ll never forget my stay at Canyon Ridge Hospital in Southern California my senior year of high school. How can I forget when I’m reminded every time I look at the scars on my wrists? 

When I used to tell the story of my first real relationship, the setting is “summer camp” and I conveniently avoid pronouns. Now I’m a senior in college in New York City and in a much better place in every way. I don’t feel like I have to lie anymore. Instead of arriving in a “school bus,” I arrived strapped down in an ambulance.

Maybe it was Cupid’s arrow or whatever drugs were dripping in my IV, but I fell in love with the first person who talked to me who wasn’t taking my vitals. I was sitting silently in a room with about five other boys who were laughing at whatever teenage boys draw on whiteboards to amuse themselves. 

Then one boy smiled at me and came over. He asked me if this was my first time in a “place like this.” I nodded. The next thing he asked was if I was gay or straight?

From Big Red Book to Bright Blue Screen - Who Am I? (Part 1)

So I was a very inquisitive child. I wanted to know how everything worked. My parents, both incredibly smart in their own right, but also incredibly busy and not always readily available, soon answered every question the same: Look it up. Now this was before the internet was a thing so I looked everything up in this big red dictionary with a nice hard cover and glossy gilded pages and little indents on the side for each letter, the perfect size for my little fingers. Fast forward a few years and I’m like 10 or 11.

The internet is now a thing, and the answers to all of my questions have moved from the big red book to the computer screen which used to be just for educational video games. Now it’s extremely educational in a whole new way. I’m a preteen, starting puberty pretty early for a boy, loaded with questions, and I’m already programmed to skip people and go straight to the text. And that was the closest thing I ever had to “the talk.” This is also how I figured out I was gay. It started with me innocently looking up information on my changing body, and then I was like whoa I like what I’m seeing and how it’s making me feel.

I was already slightly struggling with my gender identity since I had more in common with girls than boys and some other issues that I'll discuss later. So I’m not even in middle school yet and I was already significantly different than everyone I could ever know in my airtight conservative Christian life bubble. So just barely starting the second decade of life and I started to question if I wanted to continue.

10 Things Christians Have Said to Me About Being Gay

This sums up my coming out experience in high school in 10 quotes. I plan on sharing some of those stories more in depth.

Picture Poem: "Lovely Grandma Hands"

Photo by Julie Reay

Poem by David Wright

"Lovely Grandma Hands"

Love is Ageless. We are not.

Wrinkles and Wounds reveal

The Depth that Love has Wrought

And the Lengths to which we have Faced and Fought

For that Love that Will never be Forgot.

Soul Sharing: I'm not straight, but I'm also not gay

So yeah, this poem is basically my way of coming out as asexual after having already been out as gay. Not much more to say about that, so here's my coming out video.

Coming out as Pan-kAce (Panromantic-Asexual)

(pronounced "pancake")