It's all in the initials - Who Am I? (part 5)

Ok so here is where I’m edging closer to darkness. Now I’m going to preface that I love my family and have actually cleared up this issue, but here are my unfiltered thoughts.

As you may have noticed, my initials are DW. Now I think most of you might remember the PBS show Arthur, and that he had a little sister called DW. Anyways let’s just say that I was around 5 years old. So here’s the traumatic childhood experience. My mom and brother tease me about having the same initials as the girl on the stupid PBS show. I’m a little kid and easily upset and offended. I tell them to stop but they don’t. Little did they know that in that moment I was deeply scarred. I’m trying to be a boy as best as I can even though I’m not as good as it as my older brother. And all I’m hearing is that as hard as I’m trying I’m still like a girl and that’s something to laugh about. Oh and why in this situation am I like a girl? Because my freaking name. You fucking gave me the initials DW. I had no say in the matter. Even linguistically my first name has only one rare female counterpart. So you’re telling me that because this fictional character goes by her initials that makes my initials feminine. That’s just stupid bullying. But wait, here’s the kicker than makes it so much worse. I don’t think they knew I overheard or that I was old enough to understand, but a while back I heard them say how my mom wanted one boy and then one girl. So as the little son who’s pretty damn good at counting, let’s see my brother came first. One boy, check. Then came me, oh fuck, I’m not a girl. Are you saying you want me to be a girl or that you would rather have a girl than me. So I was a mistake? Not like a oops where did that baby come from or a bastard/love child. Nope. They wanted another child, they just didn’t want me because I was the wrong gender. So you can see how that can screw with a five-year-old struggle to be a real boy and the potential (and eventually realized) psychological repercussions those careless but very sharp words were. Maybe the worst part, the part that made it all too real, was that they picked out a name for the her that wasn’t me. Abigail. It made me feel like I killed me twin sister in the womb. Like I killed this Abigail. Except she was never there. It was just me. DW. So for the longest time I resented being called by my initials even when all the guys in high school went through a phase were they called each other by their initials. (So another way I wasn’t able to be one of the guys.)

So let this being a warning, a cautionary tale if you will, that you should be careful what you say to or in front of your child at ages that you think they won’t remember because maybe they won’t but what if they do. And as you can see I took something that might have been small for my parents, but it was freaking the biggest bombshell of my little lifetime. And I think I did an ok job at explaining why I was insulted in being called a girl. It was screwing with my gender identity. It wasn’t this patriarchal dictation that being like a girl is bad thing. Totally a feminist here. And I think I’ll keep saying this, but girls are freaking awesome. And this whole story came back to me recently because this BuzzFeed article popped up on my Facebook newsfeed: 23 Times D.W. Was The Realist Bitch Who Ever Lived And I am now completely proud to be have been compared to this little girl from a PBS show.

Imaginary Self - Who Am I? (Part 3)

As I left off in part 2, when I was little I wanted to be a prince. This was the start of my imagination adventures that I still go on to escape the boredom of reality. It's why I have always seemed so content in silence and so patient. I never really had imaginary friends. I had an imaginary reality that I entered to entertain myself. And it was all in my head, I didn't tell anyone or verbalized the dialogue running through my mind like I was directing and acting in a tv show. So I could be getting a haircut or just sitting on the floor staring at unplugged fan and no one would know that I had left this reality. The only physical thing I really did was use my two fingers to run as my characters were moving. For this post I'm going to psychoanalyze my four-year-old-self and see how this fictional world I created reflected one of the fundamental aspects of my personality and how that made me vulnerable to depressing and suicidal thoughts.

So the first character I created was named Silver. He was a prince with yet-to-be defined magical powers and his weapon was a whip. But instead of this being my imaginary friend, he was my idealized self.

Artistic Tips: Inspiration and Thought Process (part 1)

There's nothing new under the sun. Everything is a remake of a remake of a remake. That's life. That's what we have to work with, but we can work with it. For poetry, for any writing, for any art, there's always a muse, a source of inspiration.

These two poems were inspired by the song "Postcard" by Bridgit Mendler. (Take a listen here. This was just the first thing when you google the song.) I loved the spirit and message of the song. It's about breaking down oppressive gender stereotypes. It's in the spirit of the "Like A Girl" campaign that you might have seen during the SuperBowl. Girls can play sports and run and throw and hit just as well as boys. But this song takes the necessary next step. At about 1:14 in that video, it talks about the flip side. Boys can like fashion and ballet. It doesn't make them gay or less of a boy. So that really struck a cord with me. So there were a few words that stuck out and really connected with me and I just went with it.

"Transition"
When I think about traditional gender roles and what boys and girls should do, I think about fairy tales. Knights saving damsel in distress. Until more recently, that was the gist of it. Girls need macho boys to save them. Boy need to be big and strong so they can have girl they want. But that's not reality. You grow up and realize that the world is a pretty messed up place and everything you learned when you were little was a lie: Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, Till Death Do Us Part.

Then I thought about how those fairy tales translate into what we as little kids dream about and what if I, as a boy, wanted the same things girls dreamt about. For the record, I didn't really want to crossdress, but you can read about how Jesus made me want to crossdress here. But I do like fashion, accessories, jewelry, and I do want to be the one to be proposed to, and I do have my dream wedding planned with white roses and vanilla cake.

And then from dreaming, I contrasted what "boyish" things I didn't like with what "girly" things I did like. From the song I got the idea of sports and getting dirty and ballet. But everything in this stanza is true of me.

The closing stanza is reflecting on the chorus of the song: "So what make you think that it's girls/boys only, no boys/girls allowed?" Boys will be boys and girls will be girls. And that's fine. But not all boys and not all girl will be like that. And that's also fine. Your chromosomes don't define your identity and what you like or don't like. #YouDoYou

(Other poem in Part 2 here)

"Transition"

Poetry - "Transition"

“Transition”
by David Wright

Once upon a time I believed in Fairy tales
In pirate patches and ships setting sail
In evil witches losing their magic powers
In freeing damsels locked in their towers
In knights jousting in their shining armor
In Cinderellas meeting their Prince Charmers

But now I know better because now I live
In the real world where people forgot how to forgive
There's more to a story than tradition
Since this world is always in transition
Even saints can be condemned as sinners
And sometimes losers become winners

Once upon a time I wanted to be a girl
To wear high heels and precious pearls
To be a princess with a pretty pink dress
To be proposed to by a prince and say yes
To have my wedding with white roses and vanilla cake
To have an album of all the photos I would take

I didn't want to play sports or wrestle in the dirt
I didn’t want to do anything where I could get hurt
I didn’t want to play with monster trucks
I wanted to play tea party with my stuffed ducks
I wanted to twirl around like a ballerina
I wanted to be pretty and smart just like Athena

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls.
But that's not the only rule in the world.
Gender roles are chosen by our definitions
Not assigned like a military conscription.
You are free to be whoever you feel is true.
You get to write your own story. You do you.