Therapy Tactics (self-harming) - How TV Saved Me: Don't try this at home (part 2)

This is how a Canadian show saved my life. Degrassi was one of the many, many shows I wasn’t allowed to watch. I also wasn’t allowed to go to movie theaters, not even to watch Winnie the fucking Pooh Bear. So because I knew my parents were simply wrong on that account, I decided I should throw out all the other rules too. Degrassi was on TeenNick so I saw all the commercial while watching regular Nick shows (also wasn’t allowed to watch Spongebob or Drake & Josh). So yeah, if case you didn’t know Degrassi is basically a high school soap drama, but shows real life problems and situations. It’s not Disneyfied to always have a magical happy ending. There’s a school shooting. Someone dies. The school mourns and it shows every stage of grief. A girl gets pregnant. We watch her struggle between choosing to keep the baby or have an abortion and how her friends and family react. So it is pretty hard to find a tv character that you can relate to 100%, but with so many characters I was able to relate to a few different characters that covered all my major bases. There were two bases that were not covered anywhere else in my limited knowledge of the whole world. One, there was a gay guy. Now days that’s not a huge surprise. Maybe not on Disney channel, but most shows now have at least one token gay character. Even Friends had a Lesbian wedding. But here was a gay guy about my age who struggled with coming out. His parents were homophobic. They kicked him out when they found out he was gay. I had that fear from the beginning. So that meant a lot to me to see someone facing the same real world shit I was dealing with. And they even follow his story with the all the normal struggles of dating. The same things you see on every show with straight people. It’s really not that different. It was refreshing to see that I have a chance at finding love and all its pain and suffering just like everyone else.

The second and more time sensitive and extremely controversial thing was seeing someone on screen self-harm. I hadn’t tried that yet.

Soul Sharing - Cutting Words

Walkthrough of "Cutting Words"

Why do I let words hurt me

More than these cuts and bruises

I bleed and bruise

Because I choose

To control some hurt

Make all else feel inert

There are so many reasons why people cut themselves or other forms of self-harming. One major reason is for control. You don't hurt yourself because your life is so great. You hurt yourself because you're already hurting and you can't control it. When you inflict pain upon yourself, you finally have control. How much pain. What kind of pain. To start and stop the pain. And the current pain, even if it's just temporary, makes you forget all the other pain in your life.

Why do I seek approval 

When I don’t approve of myself

I need to be wanted

Because I am haunted

Of being alone enough

That suicide won’t be a bluff

Cover up with sleeves to hide the scars even in the summer. When you're that depressed, you need to find comfort in other people. And if you don't then who knows what you might do on this path alone.

Why am I jealous of friendships

When I know that they all have to end

I know everyone leaves

Taking my treasure like thieves 

The only thing I desire

Is to not fall for another liar

When you rely on others for your sanity, you usually need them more than they need you. You tend to take everything personally and everything hurts more when it doesn't work out. It feels like they're stealing your happiness when they leave because they are your only source of happiness. And that makes it harder to open up to new friends since you're afraid of going through that painful process again.

Why do I feel a need to bleed

When I know I won’t live much longer

I live from day to day

Not knowing what to say

If anything at all

How badly I want to fall

Self-harming isn't the same thing as being suicidal. You might feel like you're in so much pain that you want to die. But you don't really want to die. You want to get better, but you don't know how. The only way you know to keep going is to self-harm. It's a way of self-medicating. It's a temporary solution that gets you to the next day. Well, it's not really a solution since it doesn't address the problem and because of that self-harming on its own will not get you to a place of healing. Without talking or working out the problem in a healthier way, you might just get to the point where you do want to die.

Life Before and After A Suicide Attempt

Although I think suicide is the most important struggle since it's permanent and it's also what I used poetry to help me process the most, I decided not to lead with it but instead some of the major contributing factors for me. I don't think someone commits or attempts to commit suicide for just one reason. I didn't try to kill myself just because I was stuck in a massive depressive episode for years. I didn't try to kill myself just because I was gay and that wasn't acceptable in the Christian environment I was trapped in. I didn't just try to kill myself because I didn't feel like I could ever be the man I was "supposed to be." Yes, all those things pushed me closer to the edge, pushed the knife a little deeper. But after all that I tried to kill myself because of society and not just the one I locally lived in. I was 11 and I didn't want to grow up to be a teenager because teenagers are idiots. I should know now that I've crossed that bridge recently. But I saw them on TV, in books, in my life, (I'd say in movies but I wasn't allowed to go to those), and I so desperately did not want to be one of those. Aside from the aforementioned, I had lived as great a life an eleven-year-old could live. I was fully content with dying and escaping the future torment. But I'm here now so that obviously didn't work out. Before I knew it I was a godforsaken teenager. Puberty, honestly, wasn't that big of a deal for me. It hit me rather early for a guy and I was like ok. The hard part was that I was like ok I like guys, how do I stop? I had a couple best friends who I called my Lights. As long as I was around one of them I was ok. But at night the depression hit hard and fast. And unless you're familiar with that level of depression, it's too hard to explain in any way that isn't a face to face conversation. But one by one my Lights went out for different reasons. But by then I was already almost done with being a teenager. And I had become the monster I was trying so drastically to avoid. I had lost most of my innocence, not that any of us are innocent to begin with. I decided my freshman year of high school that I had to get as far from this homophobic environment as possible and as fast as possible. And I was too afraid to ask my parents to let me go to a public school, and I couldn't even play the financial card since my mom worked at the school so it was practically free. I honestly just wanted a place to get away from the same people I knew since I was 5 and saw six days a week none of whom I could trust. And yes, I was hoping to meet a cute guy or any non-hetero so I knew I wasn't alone. Because I don't know what's lonelier than being the only inmate living in a prison with no bars surrounded by wardens who preach love but would hate me if they knew who I had a crush on. So if I was going to be stuck in this system till I graduated, I might as well move up my release date. And who needs a sophomore year of high school anyways. I'd make a joke about a "wise fool" but that's etymologically incorrect.

Remember when I went to a mental hospital?

Behind the Poem - Suicide Triggers

"Suicide Triggers"
Trigger Warning? Where do I start?
It gets better, but it never stops.
What I write; my whole life Is not for the faint of heart.

I’m a fan of starting the writing process with phrases like “where do I start” or “what am I doing.” I sort of got it from a Relient K song that starts with “Should I start this song off with a question?” And I’m a huge fan of Relient K and I’m sure they influenced a lot of my work subconsciously, and I enjoy writing parodies of their work. Ok but psychologically that kind of phrasing places the reader into a similar mind set as the writer. And “it gets better” is a pretty popular phrase from the campaign It Gets Better Project which actually personally helped me a lot seeing all those celebrities (some of whom I’ve crushed on) standing up and reaching out a hand to people like me. And along with the trigger warning theme from the title and first words is that the story I’m writing about my life isn’t for everyone. Some people who might be struggling could have a negative reaction (a trigger) and that’s the last thing I want. So please be aware of your situation when you’re reading or that of anyone who you might point towards my work.

The knife stopped twisting, but the scars remain,
On my arms, my heart and my mind.
They heal but I still feel Every cut every pain.

Yeah, I cut a lot and still have a lot of scars, but not all of them are physical or visible. My heart, both the stress on my body and my ability to connect with other people. My mind, well that’s where the triggers are involved.

Soul Sharing - Suicide Triggers

So this topic is really the heart of this blog. This specifically is why I decided to blog. There really just isn't anything much available to help with dealing after suicide attempts. So I decided to use my story to put something out there for others like me. 

So the biggest suicide trigger was a couple months ago watching tv. Basically there was a girl (middle school age?) who threatened and attempted suicide, and then when confronted admitted it. “Sometimes I just want to die.” It just hit me so hard. That was exactly how I felt at around that age. But when I threatened, no one took me seriously. Suicide has a way of blindsiding everyone. People don’t notice the signs because they either don’t know what they are or chose to ignore them because “So-and-So would never do that.” Well, I was certainly the last person you would expect to be suicidal at such a young age and for so many years consistently, and I guess I am really good at hiding everything really well. No one knew I was cutting everyday and night for a year or so, and in places more visible than my arms. But that’s another story for next week's topic of self-harming. This one is really about dealing with triggers. Triggers are anything that brings back all that pain so you feel like you’re experiencing it all over again. It’s a more common term for things like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or any type of assault. 

But really triggers could be for anything. And if you are recovering from something more serious, then it’s very important to know your triggers and how to avoid them and cope with them the best way possible. And again that’s going to vary from person to person. But tv scenes like the one I described are one of my more common triggers. I’m not going to stop watching tv to avoid any possible trigger. That would be letting the trigger win. Sometimes you just have to confront it in a controlled environment. It helps for me to be alone and just cry it out. When something this heavy hits me so fast, everything kind of stops. I get disoriented and I fall onto my knees or curl up into a ball. I’ve learned not to fight it, but let it run its course. Usually for few seconds to a few minutes, but in the past it could have been hours. The more I would try to fight it or deny it, the more I would think about it. Crying is very therapeutic. I’ve cried many times until I ran out of tears, and then cried some more. As a guy who was never really very masculine, I felt like I had to train myself to not cry in front of people so if I was with people or in a crowded place, I’d run to the bathroom or just leave and walk it off. 

So that's my summary of suicide triggers. I'm constantly reminded about suicide, but I'm not suicidal anymore. I don't think about killing myself. I remember having tried to kill myself. And sometimes it's a shock to my system. Attempting suicide is a traumatic experience that I just have to find a way to live with. In the next post I'll walk through the poem and the specifics stories behind the lines.

7 Reasons People Attempt Suicide

1. Pressure. To be perfect whether from personal goals/desires, to impress loved ones, or to keep up with society, school, or work.
2. Bullying. For different in any way from LGBTQ+ to race/ethnicity to religion
3. Low Self-Esteem. Feeling worthless or useless. Feeling like a burden with nothing to offer.
4. Depression. From mental illness or circumstances.
5. Escape. To be free from unbearable pain whether physical, emotional, or mental.
6. Loneliness. No support from friends or family. No one else to live for.
7. Abuse. Physical or emotional abuse at home or anywhere; past, present, or fear of future abuse 

The 7 Suicide Songs Poem correlate roughly to these 7 reasons but with overlapping issues because there's almost never just one thing that makes you try to kill yourself.

Suicide Songs: Friday

Closing time. Say goodnight. Lock up.

Same routine like every other Friday.

But today was the last check Luke would pick up

Luke told his co-workers he would be ok.

And no one wanted to believe that it was a lie

Twenty-four years doing the same thing every day

Luke had always been too proud to man up and cry

It wasn’t the best job but it was more than decent pay

It was more than a job. It was what he loved. It was his entire life.

He was married to his work so he never bothered to look for a wife.

Money wasn’t the problem. He had a comfy retirement fund.

Finding another job wasn’t the problem. He was well qualified.

But his accident and the damage could never be undone.

Behind a computer at a desk, he knew he would not be satisfied.

So as everyone was leaving from the front door

He took the elevator up. Limped up one last set of stairs

One last check. Felt nothing in his core.

Said goodbye to his love then jumped into the air

Suicide Songs: Thursday

Lucy wasn’t feeling so lucky last Thursday. 

Her friends were no longer jealous of, or interested in her life.

She had everything and then lost everything in just one night.

A handsome husband and two beautiful boys.

Her high school sweetheart. Her pride and joys.

Her reason to smile as she laid down her head. 

Her reasons to wake up early and get out of bed.

Money can’t replace happiness. 

Insurance can’t fix faulty seat-belts.

It can’t cover the cost of the immense pain she felt.

She was drowning in all the paperwork and all her grief 

She was left alone to pick out three coffins of three different sizes

And no one was left to comfort her cries in her crisis

There wasn’t a bottle deep enough to grant her relief

There wasn’t an ocean wide enough to drown her sorrow

But her bathtub was just the right size to forever avoid tomorrow

If she could have had the support to stay afloat for a few more days

She would have discovered on her own that she was too late

It was too late for her boys, but not for her little girl

Suicide Songs: Wednesday

Andrew only walked through the quad on Wednesdays 

It’s the one day his roommate didn’t drag him to the cafe

Wesley was nice enough to Andrew so he had a hard time saying no

He would say he wasn’t hungry but Wes would still insist that he go

But he reluctantly went because he needed Wes to force him to eat

After class they walked around the quad to avoid to the sunny heat

Andrew was too depressed to eat on his own

When he did try, he would vomit before he went home

Next semester Wes had practice on Wednesdays so Andy skipped lunch and cut through the quad 

It was the quickest way to get back to his dorm, but he nervously gave everyone a frantic friendly nod

When he got home, he threw out half of his food so Wes wouldn’t suspect

He left crumbs on his bed and at his desk in case he ever tried to inspect

Andy told Wes he was anorexic and depressed over the break

He was trying to get better but the best he could try was to fake

Wes was nice but he wasn’t enough

Life was getting unbearably tough

Andy wrote a note for his roommate

Left a voicemail telling him to come home late

Locked the door. Said a prayer.

Tied the knot. Kicked the chair.

Suicide Songs: Intro

The last few weeks were an introduction to poetry and to myself. I started writing poetry because I was hopelessly depressed and I had no voice. I had no one to talk to. No one I trusted. I was alone. Alone in my pain. Poetry kept me alive. Poetry gave me life. Poetry gave structure to my chaos and confusion. I was mentally ill but wasn't sure. I didn't want to accept myself because I was afraid of what my family and church (i.e. everyone I knew) would do to me if they found out I was gay. So I tried to drown myself when I was 11. I started cutting myself when I was 15. I also stopped eating. I don't know how I would have survived without poetry. If I couldn't say everything I needed to say without actually saying it.

But as I mentioned in the mini-memoir, I did end up in a mental hospital when I was 16. It really was the best thing that could have happened to me. Even though the boy broke my heart and I let that screw up my most important friendship, I was no longer alone. There are so many people out there just like me. Suffering from the same depression and oppression. But that's where traditional therapy ends. It gives you the tools to overcome obstacles. It provides a system that reduces your risk of relapsing. But it can't make you forget. And I'll talk more about this next week.

For these next 7 days, I'm just going to share 7 stories. 7 completely different souls. 7 completely different circumstances. 7 same "solutions" to those 7 very different problems. Just 7 ways suicide happens in our society.

Therapy Tactics: Understanding Poetry and Therapy

So the straightforward theme that can be talked about in "Apathetic Artist" is cutting or self-harming. But as I revealed in the Soul section and my video post, the more subtle maybe even invisible theme of the poem for me is being polar. A mental illness that's invisible to everyone else, in my case at least since I've always had to hide my real emotions for other reasons which I'll talk about through other poems. So poems like this one made it possible for me to write down how I felt about deep personal shit that I wasn't ready or wiling to openly share with anyone because I didn't want to be seen as damaged or broken even if that's how I felt. But I can post my poems on Facebook and have my friends "like" it and comment on it. I can share the emotion without sharing the specifics.

Well, it's always a challenge trying to think of the best way to start about talking about a single issue of mine since I'm so complicated with so many issues that overlap and intertwine. I've been through so much in such a short amount of time. I'm only 21 so it's been a whole decade since my problems manifested in a significant life changing way. It's taken me some time to look back and see what was cause and effect and what was independently compacting my problems. So I'll try my best to focus on my bipolar issues for this post. Like I said in the last post, I knew something was wrong with me mentally when I was 15.