Although I think suicide is the most important struggle since it's permanent and it's also what I used poetry to help me process the most, I decided not to lead with it but instead some of the major contributing factors for me. I don't think someone commits or attempts to commit suicide for just one reason. I didn't try to kill myself just because I was stuck in a massive depressive episode for years. I didn't try to kill myself just because I was gay and that wasn't acceptable in the Christian environment I was trapped in. I didn't just try to kill myself because I didn't feel like I could ever be the man I was "supposed to be." Yes, all those things pushed me closer to the edge, pushed the knife a little deeper. But after all that I tried to kill myself because of society and not just the one I locally lived in. I was 11 and I didn't want to grow up to be a teenager because teenagers are idiots. I should know now that I've crossed that bridge recently. But I saw them on TV, in books, in my life, (I'd say in movies but I wasn't allowed to go to those), and I so desperately did not want to be one of those. Aside from the aforementioned, I had lived as great a life an eleven-year-old could live. I was fully content with dying and escaping the future torment. But I'm here now so that obviously didn't work out. Before I knew it I was a godforsaken teenager. Puberty, honestly, wasn't that big of a deal for me. It hit me rather early for a guy and I was like ok. The hard part was that I was like ok I like guys, how do I stop? I had a couple best friends who I called my Lights. As long as I was around one of them I was ok. But at night the depression hit hard and fast. And unless you're familiar with that level of depression, it's too hard to explain in any way that isn't a face to face conversation. But one by one my Lights went out for different reasons. But by then I was already almost done with being a teenager. And I had become the monster I was trying so drastically to avoid. I had lost most of my innocence, not that any of us are innocent to begin with. I decided my freshman year of high school that I had to get as far from this homophobic environment as possible and as fast as possible. And I was too afraid to ask my parents to let me go to a public school, and I couldn't even play the financial card since my mom worked at the school so it was practically free. I honestly just wanted a place to get away from the same people I knew since I was 5 and saw six days a week none of whom I could trust. And yes, I was hoping to meet a cute guy or any non-hetero so I knew I wasn't alone. Because I don't know what's lonelier than being the only inmate living in a prison with no bars surrounded by wardens who preach love but would hate me if they knew who I had a crush on. So if I was going to be stuck in this system till I graduated, I might as well move up my release date. And who needs a sophomore year of high school anyways. I'd make a joke about a "wise fool" but that's etymologically incorrect.
Remember when I went to a mental hospital?
Showing posts with label attempted suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label attempted suicide. Show all posts
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Soul Sharing - Suicide Triggers
So this topic is really the heart of this blog. This specifically is why I decided to blog. There really just isn't anything much available to help with dealing after suicide attempts. So I decided to use my story to put something out there for others like me.
So the biggest suicide trigger was a couple months ago watching tv. Basically there was a girl (middle school age?) who threatened and attempted suicide, and then when confronted admitted it. “Sometimes I just want to die.” It just hit me so hard. That was exactly how I felt at around that age. But when I threatened, no one took me seriously. Suicide has a way of blindsiding everyone. People don’t notice the signs because they either don’t know what they are or chose to ignore them because “So-and-So would never do that.” Well, I was certainly the last person you would expect to be suicidal at such a young age and for so many years consistently, and I guess I am really good at hiding everything really well. No one knew I was cutting everyday and night for a year or so, and in places more visible than my arms. But that’s another story for next week's topic of self-harming. This one is really about dealing with triggers. Triggers are anything that brings back all that pain so you feel like you’re experiencing it all over again. It’s a more common term for things like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or any type of assault.
But really triggers could be for anything. And if you are recovering from something more serious, then it’s very important to know your triggers and how to avoid them and cope with them the best way possible. And again that’s going to vary from person to person. But tv scenes like the one I described are one of my more common triggers. I’m not going to stop watching tv to avoid any possible trigger. That would be letting the trigger win. Sometimes you just have to confront it in a controlled environment. It helps for me to be alone and just cry it out. When something this heavy hits me so fast, everything kind of stops. I get disoriented and I fall onto my knees or curl up into a ball. I’ve learned not to fight it, but let it run its course. Usually for few seconds to a few minutes, but in the past it could have been hours. The more I would try to fight it or deny it, the more I would think about it. Crying is very therapeutic. I’ve cried many times until I ran out of tears, and then cried some more. As a guy who was never really very masculine, I felt like I had to train myself to not cry in front of people so if I was with people or in a crowded place, I’d run to the bathroom or just leave and walk it off.
So that's my summary of suicide triggers. I'm constantly reminded about suicide, but I'm not suicidal anymore. I don't think about killing myself. I remember having tried to kill myself. And sometimes it's a shock to my system. Attempting suicide is a traumatic experience that I just have to find a way to live with. In the next post I'll walk through the poem and the specifics stories behind the lines.
So the biggest suicide trigger was a couple months ago watching tv. Basically there was a girl (middle school age?) who threatened and attempted suicide, and then when confronted admitted it. “Sometimes I just want to die.” It just hit me so hard. That was exactly how I felt at around that age. But when I threatened, no one took me seriously. Suicide has a way of blindsiding everyone. People don’t notice the signs because they either don’t know what they are or chose to ignore them because “So-and-So would never do that.” Well, I was certainly the last person you would expect to be suicidal at such a young age and for so many years consistently, and I guess I am really good at hiding everything really well. No one knew I was cutting everyday and night for a year or so, and in places more visible than my arms. But that’s another story for next week's topic of self-harming. This one is really about dealing with triggers. Triggers are anything that brings back all that pain so you feel like you’re experiencing it all over again. It’s a more common term for things like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or any type of assault.
But really triggers could be for anything. And if you are recovering from something more serious, then it’s very important to know your triggers and how to avoid them and cope with them the best way possible. And again that’s going to vary from person to person. But tv scenes like the one I described are one of my more common triggers. I’m not going to stop watching tv to avoid any possible trigger. That would be letting the trigger win. Sometimes you just have to confront it in a controlled environment. It helps for me to be alone and just cry it out. When something this heavy hits me so fast, everything kind of stops. I get disoriented and I fall onto my knees or curl up into a ball. I’ve learned not to fight it, but let it run its course. Usually for few seconds to a few minutes, but in the past it could have been hours. The more I would try to fight it or deny it, the more I would think about it. Crying is very therapeutic. I’ve cried many times until I ran out of tears, and then cried some more. As a guy who was never really very masculine, I felt like I had to train myself to not cry in front of people so if I was with people or in a crowded place, I’d run to the bathroom or just leave and walk it off.
So that's my summary of suicide triggers. I'm constantly reminded about suicide, but I'm not suicidal anymore. I don't think about killing myself. I remember having tried to kill myself. And sometimes it's a shock to my system. Attempting suicide is a traumatic experience that I just have to find a way to live with. In the next post I'll walk through the poem and the specifics stories behind the lines.
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