Suicide Songs: Monday

It's Monday afternoon and no one in class notices or cares

That Max isn't there but with a gun from who knows where

He's been attacked and harassed everyday since freshman year

Verbally, physically, emotionally filled with fear

He's seen the videos and read the headlines 

Seems like everyday a star comes out 

Until now it's been enough to get through the day

But the dance on Friday night was their last chance

The bell's about to ring but Max can't relax 

He feels like he's going to have a heart attack

The halls are going to fill and his tears are starting to pour

He's afraid. He's always been afraid here

But he won't be for much longer

In the next moment he feels a little stronger 

Ring ring bang bang 

He didn't know he wasn't the only one afraid

That the boy he asked to the dance actually wanted to be more than best friends

That his “friends” heard him say yes

So they beat him up too

Max got stood up because Mitch could no longer stand

Therapy Tactics on Coming Out

Therapy Tactics on Coming Out

Coming out is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. And I've had to do it so many times. It's common to come out to one person at a time at first. Your best friend. A sibling. A parent. Someone you absolutely trust and you know would love you no matter what and not tell anyone until you were ready. Unfortunately, we don't all have that someone in our lives, or we don't think we do, or we think we do but then that person hurts us. You can't really know how someone is going to react, and that is what makes coming out so scary. Thankfully, we now live in a more understanding and accepting time, but that isn't true for every situation. But it does mean we have this wonderful thing called the Interwebs where we can go to for help, guidance, and acceptance. You can't hug over the phone or through a computer, but at least, kind and loving words are readily available.

I knew I was gay when I was 11 (and you can read about that journey of self discover here). But I didn't know anyone I thought I could trust until I was about 15. (You can read about how that turned out to be a mistake here). He was my best friend. The best friend I ever had. He taught be how to be a rebel, how to be myself, and how to be happy. I was so scared of anyone finding out my secret that I made myself miserable trying to keep up the appearance of a "perfect" Christian boy. He was also the only person my age I knew that didn't go to my small private Christian school. That's what made him so attractive. That's why I wanted to be like him. He was free from this prison I had been in my whole life. Everything I like about myself I learned from him in one way or another.

I found someone who showed me how to be courageous. So if you're not already brave enough to come out, then don't, at least not yet. You have to be ready for the worst case scenarios which I read about extensively online. You could be bullied at school or at home, physically or emotionally; you could be kicked out of your home; you could be forced into conversion therapy. What you need before you come out is a support network. You can find that online through safe communities like TrevorSpace and The Trevor Project (linked under Helpful Resources). I didn't have these option, but you might have a GSA (gay-straight alliance) at your school or an LGBT center in your neighborhood. With these communities you can ask other people's coming out stories or find solidarity with others who haven't come out yet either.

Although the unknown is scary, reality doesn't have to be. You can read so many stories and watch so many coming out videos of it all working out and also how people survive when it doesn't work out so well. And if it doesn't at first, It Gets Better. Maybe not right away, but eventually it will if you find the courage to stay strong. It took me years before it finally got better, and I was so close to giving up so many times. You're never alone. There is always someone out there just like you who knows exactly what you're going through and has made it out the other side. And if you don't know anyone like that, I am that person. Maybe not exactly, but after everything I've been through I can empathize with anyone's situation.

And it's important to know that you don't have to come out. Never feel pressured to come out. Be true to yourself and that's enough. And sometimes it takes a long time to figure out what your true self looks like, and that's ok. It helps to talk it out with someone. But if you don't have that someone, then it helps to write it out. Keep a journal. Write out everything you feel. And if you're afraid someone might find it, then write in code, in secret metaphors. If it's about a person then just use ambiguous terms and pronouns. Poetry is especially useful because it's meant to say a lot with a little. You don't have to use all your words to express your feelings, and it's not meant to be entirely nonfiction. So if someone does happen to find it, you can play it off as fiction.

To sum up: Prepare for the worst, but there's hope for the best. Find a safe community, online or in person. Find at least one person you can trust to talk things through. Write out your feelings. Come out only if you feel safe and when you feel ready.

10 Things Christians Have Said to Me About Being Gay

This sums up my coming out experience in high school in 10 quotes. I plan on sharing some of those stories more in depth.