Life Before and After A Suicide Attempt

Although I think suicide is the most important struggle since it's permanent and it's also what I used poetry to help me process the most, I decided not to lead with it but instead some of the major contributing factors for me. I don't think someone commits or attempts to commit suicide for just one reason. I didn't try to kill myself just because I was stuck in a massive depressive episode for years. I didn't try to kill myself just because I was gay and that wasn't acceptable in the Christian environment I was trapped in. I didn't just try to kill myself because I didn't feel like I could ever be the man I was "supposed to be." Yes, all those things pushed me closer to the edge, pushed the knife a little deeper. But after all that I tried to kill myself because of society and not just the one I locally lived in. I was 11 and I didn't want to grow up to be a teenager because teenagers are idiots. I should know now that I've crossed that bridge recently. But I saw them on TV, in books, in my life, (I'd say in movies but I wasn't allowed to go to those), and I so desperately did not want to be one of those. Aside from the aforementioned, I had lived as great a life an eleven-year-old could live. I was fully content with dying and escaping the future torment. But I'm here now so that obviously didn't work out. Before I knew it I was a godforsaken teenager. Puberty, honestly, wasn't that big of a deal for me. It hit me rather early for a guy and I was like ok. The hard part was that I was like ok I like guys, how do I stop? I had a couple best friends who I called my Lights. As long as I was around one of them I was ok. But at night the depression hit hard and fast. And unless you're familiar with that level of depression, it's too hard to explain in any way that isn't a face to face conversation. But one by one my Lights went out for different reasons. But by then I was already almost done with being a teenager. And I had become the monster I was trying so drastically to avoid. I had lost most of my innocence, not that any of us are innocent to begin with. I decided my freshman year of high school that I had to get as far from this homophobic environment as possible and as fast as possible. And I was too afraid to ask my parents to let me go to a public school, and I couldn't even play the financial card since my mom worked at the school so it was practically free. I honestly just wanted a place to get away from the same people I knew since I was 5 and saw six days a week none of whom I could trust. And yes, I was hoping to meet a cute guy or any non-hetero so I knew I wasn't alone. Because I don't know what's lonelier than being the only inmate living in a prison with no bars surrounded by wardens who preach love but would hate me if they knew who I had a crush on. So if I was going to be stuck in this system till I graduated, I might as well move up my release date. And who needs a sophomore year of high school anyways. I'd make a joke about a "wise fool" but that's etymologically incorrect.

Remember when I went to a mental hospital?

Suicide Songs: Monday

It's Monday afternoon and no one in class notices or cares

That Max isn't there but with a gun from who knows where

He's been attacked and harassed everyday since freshman year

Verbally, physically, emotionally filled with fear

He's seen the videos and read the headlines 

Seems like everyday a star comes out 

Until now it's been enough to get through the day

But the dance on Friday night was their last chance

The bell's about to ring but Max can't relax 

He feels like he's going to have a heart attack

The halls are going to fill and his tears are starting to pour

He's afraid. He's always been afraid here

But he won't be for much longer

In the next moment he feels a little stronger 

Ring ring bang bang 

He didn't know he wasn't the only one afraid

That the boy he asked to the dance actually wanted to be more than best friends

That his “friends” heard him say yes

So they beat him up too

Max got stood up because Mitch could no longer stand

Suicide Songs: Sunday

Suzzie's still dressed up in what passed as her Sunday best

Studying for tomorrow's math test

It's a lot of pressure when you're suppose to be a prodigy

When you're expected to make your mark in history 

When your expectations can't possibly result in reality

Except their not your expectations

Your work and success don't bring you feelings of elation 

Quite contrary your dreams are being suffocated 

You're in your home, your room but you still feel dislocated 

Like nothing's real

You don't know what to feel

You don't have the best dress 

But score the highest on every test

But that's not you or who you want to be 

But somehow no one else notices or sees

Your parents are so proud 

Your friends cheer so loud

But you can't get anything less than an A

You have to study so there's no time to play

It's all too much you're going to snap

The empty pill bottles fall on your lap

She didn't know her parents would still love her if she dropped out of school

That her friends didn't care if what she wore wasn’t so cool

10 Things Christians Have Said to Me About Being Gay

This sums up my coming out experience in high school in 10 quotes. I plan on sharing some of those stories more in depth.