Life Before and After A Suicide Attempt

Although I think suicide is the most important struggle since it's permanent and it's also what I used poetry to help me process the most, I decided not to lead with it but instead some of the major contributing factors for me. I don't think someone commits or attempts to commit suicide for just one reason. I didn't try to kill myself just because I was stuck in a massive depressive episode for years. I didn't try to kill myself just because I was gay and that wasn't acceptable in the Christian environment I was trapped in. I didn't just try to kill myself because I didn't feel like I could ever be the man I was "supposed to be." Yes, all those things pushed me closer to the edge, pushed the knife a little deeper. But after all that I tried to kill myself because of society and not just the one I locally lived in. I was 11 and I didn't want to grow up to be a teenager because teenagers are idiots. I should know now that I've crossed that bridge recently. But I saw them on TV, in books, in my life, (I'd say in movies but I wasn't allowed to go to those), and I so desperately did not want to be one of those. Aside from the aforementioned, I had lived as great a life an eleven-year-old could live. I was fully content with dying and escaping the future torment. But I'm here now so that obviously didn't work out. Before I knew it I was a godforsaken teenager. Puberty, honestly, wasn't that big of a deal for me. It hit me rather early for a guy and I was like ok. The hard part was that I was like ok I like guys, how do I stop? I had a couple best friends who I called my Lights. As long as I was around one of them I was ok. But at night the depression hit hard and fast. And unless you're familiar with that level of depression, it's too hard to explain in any way that isn't a face to face conversation. But one by one my Lights went out for different reasons. But by then I was already almost done with being a teenager. And I had become the monster I was trying so drastically to avoid. I had lost most of my innocence, not that any of us are innocent to begin with. I decided my freshman year of high school that I had to get as far from this homophobic environment as possible and as fast as possible. And I was too afraid to ask my parents to let me go to a public school, and I couldn't even play the financial card since my mom worked at the school so it was practically free. I honestly just wanted a place to get away from the same people I knew since I was 5 and saw six days a week none of whom I could trust. And yes, I was hoping to meet a cute guy or any non-hetero so I knew I wasn't alone. Because I don't know what's lonelier than being the only inmate living in a prison with no bars surrounded by wardens who preach love but would hate me if they knew who I had a crush on. So if I was going to be stuck in this system till I graduated, I might as well move up my release date. And who needs a sophomore year of high school anyways. I'd make a joke about a "wise fool" but that's etymologically incorrect.

Remember when I went to a mental hospital?

Behind the Poem - Suicide Triggers

"Suicide Triggers"
Trigger Warning? Where do I start?
It gets better, but it never stops.
What I write; my whole life Is not for the faint of heart.

I’m a fan of starting the writing process with phrases like “where do I start” or “what am I doing.” I sort of got it from a Relient K song that starts with “Should I start this song off with a question?” And I’m a huge fan of Relient K and I’m sure they influenced a lot of my work subconsciously, and I enjoy writing parodies of their work. Ok but psychologically that kind of phrasing places the reader into a similar mind set as the writer. And “it gets better” is a pretty popular phrase from the campaign It Gets Better Project which actually personally helped me a lot seeing all those celebrities (some of whom I’ve crushed on) standing up and reaching out a hand to people like me. And along with the trigger warning theme from the title and first words is that the story I’m writing about my life isn’t for everyone. Some people who might be struggling could have a negative reaction (a trigger) and that’s the last thing I want. So please be aware of your situation when you’re reading or that of anyone who you might point towards my work.

The knife stopped twisting, but the scars remain,
On my arms, my heart and my mind.
They heal but I still feel Every cut every pain.

Yeah, I cut a lot and still have a lot of scars, but not all of them are physical or visible. My heart, both the stress on my body and my ability to connect with other people. My mind, well that’s where the triggers are involved.

Therapy Tactics on Coming Out

Therapy Tactics on Coming Out

Coming out is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. And I've had to do it so many times. It's common to come out to one person at a time at first. Your best friend. A sibling. A parent. Someone you absolutely trust and you know would love you no matter what and not tell anyone until you were ready. Unfortunately, we don't all have that someone in our lives, or we don't think we do, or we think we do but then that person hurts us. You can't really know how someone is going to react, and that is what makes coming out so scary. Thankfully, we now live in a more understanding and accepting time, but that isn't true for every situation. But it does mean we have this wonderful thing called the Interwebs where we can go to for help, guidance, and acceptance. You can't hug over the phone or through a computer, but at least, kind and loving words are readily available.

I knew I was gay when I was 11 (and you can read about that journey of self discover here). But I didn't know anyone I thought I could trust until I was about 15. (You can read about how that turned out to be a mistake here). He was my best friend. The best friend I ever had. He taught be how to be a rebel, how to be myself, and how to be happy. I was so scared of anyone finding out my secret that I made myself miserable trying to keep up the appearance of a "perfect" Christian boy. He was also the only person my age I knew that didn't go to my small private Christian school. That's what made him so attractive. That's why I wanted to be like him. He was free from this prison I had been in my whole life. Everything I like about myself I learned from him in one way or another.

I found someone who showed me how to be courageous. So if you're not already brave enough to come out, then don't, at least not yet. You have to be ready for the worst case scenarios which I read about extensively online. You could be bullied at school or at home, physically or emotionally; you could be kicked out of your home; you could be forced into conversion therapy. What you need before you come out is a support network. You can find that online through safe communities like TrevorSpace and The Trevor Project (linked under Helpful Resources). I didn't have these option, but you might have a GSA (gay-straight alliance) at your school or an LGBT center in your neighborhood. With these communities you can ask other people's coming out stories or find solidarity with others who haven't come out yet either.

Although the unknown is scary, reality doesn't have to be. You can read so many stories and watch so many coming out videos of it all working out and also how people survive when it doesn't work out so well. And if it doesn't at first, It Gets Better. Maybe not right away, but eventually it will if you find the courage to stay strong. It took me years before it finally got better, and I was so close to giving up so many times. You're never alone. There is always someone out there just like you who knows exactly what you're going through and has made it out the other side. And if you don't know anyone like that, I am that person. Maybe not exactly, but after everything I've been through I can empathize with anyone's situation.

And it's important to know that you don't have to come out. Never feel pressured to come out. Be true to yourself and that's enough. And sometimes it takes a long time to figure out what your true self looks like, and that's ok. It helps to talk it out with someone. But if you don't have that someone, then it helps to write it out. Keep a journal. Write out everything you feel. And if you're afraid someone might find it, then write in code, in secret metaphors. If it's about a person then just use ambiguous terms and pronouns. Poetry is especially useful because it's meant to say a lot with a little. You don't have to use all your words to express your feelings, and it's not meant to be entirely nonfiction. So if someone does happen to find it, you can play it off as fiction.

To sum up: Prepare for the worst, but there's hope for the best. Find a safe community, online or in person. Find at least one person you can trust to talk things through. Write out your feelings. Come out only if you feel safe and when you feel ready.

Soul Sharing: I'm Bipolar

For the Soul section, I'll walk through the poem line by line or stanza by stanza and explain why I wrote it. I'll talk about word selection, inspiration, multiple meanings, and where I placed a part of my soul in the piece. Let's begin.

"Apathetic Artist" 

First off, the tittle is alliterative which is one of my favorite and one of the easiest and most recognized poetic devices. You are going to see this a lot from me. For me, the title is usually a brief summary or my favorite line of the poem. A lot of times the title is the last thing and sometimes even the hardest part to write. This one came pretty naturally combing the first line and the theme of the poem.  And this is the first poem in my book of poetry because it embodies the theme and inspired the title of the book. (Spoilers!)