Behind the Poem - Suicide Triggers

"Suicide Triggers"
Trigger Warning? Where do I start?
It gets better, but it never stops.
What I write; my whole life Is not for the faint of heart.

I’m a fan of starting the writing process with phrases like “where do I start” or “what am I doing.” I sort of got it from a Relient K song that starts with “Should I start this song off with a question?” And I’m a huge fan of Relient K and I’m sure they influenced a lot of my work subconsciously, and I enjoy writing parodies of their work. Ok but psychologically that kind of phrasing places the reader into a similar mind set as the writer. And “it gets better” is a pretty popular phrase from the campaign It Gets Better Project which actually personally helped me a lot seeing all those celebrities (some of whom I’ve crushed on) standing up and reaching out a hand to people like me. And along with the trigger warning theme from the title and first words is that the story I’m writing about my life isn’t for everyone. Some people who might be struggling could have a negative reaction (a trigger) and that’s the last thing I want. So please be aware of your situation when you’re reading or that of anyone who you might point towards my work.

The knife stopped twisting, but the scars remain,
On my arms, my heart and my mind.
They heal but I still feel Every cut every pain.

Yeah, I cut a lot and still have a lot of scars, but not all of them are physical or visible. My heart, both the stress on my body and my ability to connect with other people. My mind, well that’s where the triggers are involved.

I don’t remember how many suicide attempts I’ve survived
Except that it was my favorite after school activity
From eleven to seventeen Poison laces any memories revived.

I was suicidal from the ages of 11-17 and have attempted several times consistently. Sometimes multiple attempts in the same day and usually after I came home from school since no one was home yet. I was never really sure what I was doing and am really super thankful that I didn’t do any permanent damage (and that I didn’t succeed). And no one really knew, so when I retell stories from all the good times, there’s still the fact that only I know of what I did at the end of those days.

Suicidal memories have replaced suicidal thoughts.
It’s Russian roulette without a bullet.
There’s no pill for this ill No demons to be fought.

Here’s the real crux of what I’m dealing with now. I’m not suicidal anymore. I don’t think about killing myself, but I remember that I could have, or that if I hadn’t changed I would have attempted because XYZ just happened. So I feel like I’m still pointing the gun at my head, but I know it’s not loaded. So I don’t need medicine to fight off an infection and I’m not wrestling with should I pull the trigger or not like I used. So I feel pretty helpless.

The trigger gets pulled and I fall to my knees.
Can’t breathe. Clutching my heart. Cloudy mind. Numb.
These tears are for fears That will never escape me.

Now this is when my trigger gets pulled like in the example that I gave about the tv show. I don’t think I’ll ever be free from having these overwhelming attacks of resurfacing fear and pain.

Life progresses in either fast forward or slow motion,
Like life is passing by as reality constantly shifts
Triggering torment that I can’t forget Causing a caustic nauseous notion.

More of what I described about how my perception of reality changes in those moments.

How the hell am I suppose to live with myself everyday
When the man in the mirror was my past potential killer?
I forgave him to save him But now what are we suppose to say?

Another big thing I’ve been struggle for years now. It’s one thing to forgive someone who has attacked or harmed you, and then you never have to see that person again. But when that person stares back at you everyday, it’s hard to forgive what you can’t forget.

It was Faith and fellowship that pulled me through
The proverbial fire that was my personal hell,
But it’s Grace and faces That pull my triggers too.

I’ll talk more about my spiritual struggle during this time in another post, but ultimately I don’t think I could have survived without coming back to my faith in God and allowing my friends to help me. But similar to the last stanza and what I’ll say more about in the next stanza, I also experience those people and that Goodness all the time and sometimes that’s another reminder/trigger.

As much as I want to, I can never forget
All my short comings, how far I’ve fallen;
It’s combined with how high I’ve climbed It’s a problematic set.

You can only measure your progress from where you’ve started so again it’s impossible to have one without the other. If I forget or erase my miserable past, I won’t be able to fully appreciate how much I’ve grown and improved.

So anything can be my trigger at any time.
I’m still learning how to cope with this post traumatic stress,
But every day proves another way That I can survive.

So yeah, there’s an empty gun pointing at me, and sometimes it goes off, and I feel like I’ve been shot. But yeah, I’m still here and I’m constantly learning how to keep going, by accepting my mistakes for what they were. And I have to have hope that one day, I’ll forget about the gun and I’ll never hear it go off again.